Hanging up your coat..

..then use the little loop provided, you thoughtless prick.

Would you like to Gift Aid that ?

Eh? What's that you say 10% more, err, erm.. actually no I wouldn't.

Contrary to popular misconception gift aid is not magic money that comes from nowhere, it comes from the treasury out of  yours (and my) taxes. Normally it is used to pay for schools, hospitals roads, the fire service and that sort of thing -  so next time you gift -aid your entrance to Twycross Zoo etc.. spare a thought for who's missing out.

What's your Experian credit score?

What the fuck?!  Who are these people? What are they trying to achieve? Is it all about foisting unsustainable loans on the poor and hopelessly deluded. Where did it all come from? I don't ever recall needing a credit score. My suspicion is that the best ratings are given to those punters who are the most profitable - needy yet reliable.
The whole damn thing stinks and I want no part of it. That's to say nothing of the nauseous adverts of handsome folk nurturing some effigy that purports to be a licence to borrow money. 'Damn it all!' I say.

Gym Membership..

So not content with spunking out 60 quid a month on Sky TV you now want to join a gym to work off all those fatty snacks you gorged on in front Murdoch's inane gogglebox - surprised the antipodean buffoon hasn't cottoned on to that scam himself. So now that you've joined up to your pony a month contract it's downhill all the way right? - a few sessions on the cross-trainer watching soaps and it'll be 3hr marathons in no time.

But IT DOESN'T work like that you bollock-brain. Fitness requires a dedication that 90% of delusional middle-class morons have no hope of achieving. Want to get fit on the cheap? Eat less crap and run round the block a couple of times a week. While you at it transfer your direct debit from the Gym to Save the Children - feeling better already aren't you?

Guinness Extra Cold

Not content with the fact you can no longer taste anything you now want to hurt your teeth - serves you right, pillock.

That bloke who lost the court case about holidays out of school..

Ha, ha, ha,. You cheap-suited tosser. Couldn't be bothered to pay a paltry 60 quid fine and now you look a complete twat. Bleating about being a  free thinking individual who knows best for  his kids has't helped much has it? Still arguing about the educational benefits of meeting Micky and the gang at Disneyland you pitiful arse - that's it Disney-fucking-land for Christ's sake. Now get your kids back to school so they can learn not to be like you.

Made-up number plates

Yes Debby (or should I say DE13 RIE) I've seen you in that other symbol of automotive impotence - the Land Rover Discovery. So how do you like it now that plod has told you to put legal plates on? Not so fucking smart now you've spent five grand* on an ordinary number plate are you?

* I hope

Ancestry DNA

Never in the field of human endeavour has there been anything so utterly pointless. Well possibly one or two things but really.. on a par with horoscopes in its attraction to the hopelessly gullible. A lovely little scam though..