A Fool & His (or Her) Money are Easily Parted..

At the behest of someone dear to me I have recently and somewhat reluctantly researched the phenomenon known as Spa hotels and short breaks therein. Now somewhat naïvely I'll admit I thought this might bear some relation to Spa towns, perhaps taking in the health giving waters or maybe bathing in a natural hot spring (a la the Baths at Bath), a bit of innocent albeit misplaced bonne sante - how wrong could I be ? I mean really !

I have heard about the euphamistic term 'treatments', of course I have, I'm married, to a lady. But, nothing, no nothing could have prepared me for the preposterous pomposity that these places reserve to describe their face packs. Here are some genuine descriptions, not from a Monty Python sketch I assure you..

Sample Spa 1) - Introduction..

The wonderful warming ambience of **** Grange, along with the freshness of home grown fruits, vegetables and herbs were the inspiration behind these beautiful and sensorial sublime journeys.

Sample Spa 1) - description of a face-pack

60 Minutes £75.00

Sublime Journey Facial:

This sublime journey starts with a double cleanse using a silkening milk

cream with the aroma of white flowers, followed by a gentle exfoliation using

a pineapple enriched enzyme peel. A delicious mask is then applied with

essential oils and flower extracts of rose, lavender, lily and iris to freshen and

decongest the skin and the treatment concludes with a sublime massage of

the face, neck and shoulders using and anti-oxidant enriched cream. A truly

sensorial experience.

Sample Spa 2) - Introduction..

Book yourself one of our signature spa treatments, designed exclusively for the **** Spa hotel by Decléor, combining the best of  **** spa traditions with ancient Celtic wellbeing secrets. Then wrap yourself up in a bathrobe, settle into a soft leather recliner, and gradually rejoin the world in the softly-lit comfort of our relaxation room.

Sample Spa 2 - description for a day's spa-ing

All Day Retreat

Mon-Thurs £300, Fri-Sun £310

Hot stone therapy massage (60 minutes) Vital eye treatment Jessana manicure and pedicure, 3 hours 45 minutes

Go on, rub your eyes and look again ! Yes that really is 300 pounds sterling they are expecting from you, all asked with a straight face.  What's more who the heck are Decleor who are so high and mighty that they think their 'slap'  is so special ? I'm not even going to ask what a 'Jessana' is, might cost another 30 for the answer.

Astonishingly,  judging from the sheer number of these rip-off joints that are plying their trade there is a market for this trite nonsense, recession or no. But tell me this whatever happened to the (women) who simply 'got on with it' ? Are they really a relic of times past, along with a whistling  milk-man and bottles of light ale ?