Control Freak..

.. an insult often meted out by my now estranged wife - usually after I didn't immediately yield to her petulant demands for 'more stuff' or a change in my behaviour. Hypocrisy or irony? You decide.

Emperors new cloths Fevertree tonic etc.. part 2

Vindicated !

This weeks 'Savvy Shopper' on channel 4 declare Fevertree as a triumph of seductive marketing (my my Emperor how fine you look in your exquisite new clothes).. A blind tasting however put the fizzy quinine water on level pegging with Tesco's own brand retailing at 1/7  or if you prefer 14% of the cost.

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer..

Empty words it seems in the 21st century. Mrs Middle England and I have always struggled a little with marital communications over the years but I hadn't quite realised the seriousness of the situation until she upped sticks and left (with the children) a few weeks ago. Subsequent refusals to consider mediation or counselling means we appear to be heading down the rocky road to divorce.

Grounds for separation? 'Not happy enough..' is about the best I can get. along with 'the children are suffering due to our rowing', although that was not my observation. Ironically, now of course they really are suffering with regular  tears at bedtime and woeful pleas for marital reconciliation - this is now my fault naturally for not being 'upbeat' enough throughout this process. To top it all I have to field regular insults  such as be accusations of being  'nasty', 'smelly', 'mean', 'vile', 'narcissistic', oh yes and I'm  a c*nt. Apparently she was 'treated like shit for 15 years' and now 'can't stand the sight of me'.

Ho hum.

Lifestyle Homosexuals

You know the sort, sneering at you for have a 'normal' lifestyle and not sharing in their wonderfully sophisticated and avant garde way of living. Give me a couple of lush 'old school' queens any day. Never any axe to grind, just the the occasional double entendre about your cock and that was it - the rest of time you can talk about normal, everyday things rather than having listen to the dreary tales of pride marches and the 40th anniversary of legalized bumming...

The Emperor's new clothes (sorry tonic water) - again..

Latest in the '..but I saw you coming' brands - FeverTree tonic. Here's an excerpt from the 'About Us' section of the web-site:-

'Following a 'tonic tasting' on the US market, Charles Rolls - who built his reputation running Plymouth Gin - joined forces with Tim Warrillow, who had a background in luxury food marketing..

Yeah - that figures, bunch of arse.   I did try some - tasted like tonic water.

Utility Tele-Sales Worst Job In the World?

Before privatization this job never existed. You  signed up for electric and maybe gas  and that was it, the bill came and you ignored it. The red bill came and you paid it. Now though there are armies of likely degree-qualified millennials in call centres trying to sell you their latest deal - the poor bastards.

Just think, if they had ignored bumptious Blair's 'degrees for everyone' dictate they could have started their own business or learnt a valuable vocational skill, in the building trade for example. Instead we are importing builders and entrepreneurs from eastern Europe and our educated youth languishes in these hell-holes.

Get out kids while you can! Bollocks to Blair 'coff to Corbyn get out and get yourself a job with prospects..

Glastonbury gets political..

..as if Billy Bragg wasn't enough.

Uber (Taxi company)

Greedy, exploitative, social-media driven bunch of arseholes, or tech-savvie service-orientated philanthropists?

Discuss.

In fact, no don't - clearly a bunch of c*nts.

Tim Farron II

The man who clung on to his seat by a few hundred votes and has made cynical U-turns on his personal beliefs on abortion and gay marriage is now assuring us of Brexit disaster and calling for ('arrogant') Mrs May to resign in spite of increasing the Tory vote over 2015.

Just one question for you Tim. 'Who the fuck do you think you are, you sniveling milksop?'

Jack Wills..

Pretentious, knobby, upstart, college kid clothing brand purports to be 'Fabulously British' - trouble is all their stuff is made in China or some other low-cost base*.

What a bunch of arse.

* Thanks  go to Channel 4's Savvy Shopper show

Airlander - The World's largest Aircraft

Don't do much - do it?

17/10/24..update - still nothing, now seven years since it blew away and deflated. However I hear the aldermen of Doncaster will save the day. A new factory is to be built..!

..any day now

Election 2017..

Once again the great unwashed have cast their votes for the 'Jam Tomorrow' policies of the vocal minority. Hot on the heels of wee Jimmy Crankie's (or is that Nicola Sturgeon's?) success in 2015 we now have having Comrade Corbyn high-fiving it  (aka  'titting up' his female cohort) by way of celebration.

One wonders how credible the free university and nationalised industry polices would be if proposed by Communist or Monster Raving Loony parties? Of course having the re-assurance that you will never actually have to implement these economic miracles is indeed an advantage of over the incumbents..

Ms May on the other hand proved herself a stage performer from the Gordon Brown school of Bon Amie. Strained, nervous and easily wrong-footed - could and must do better, but at least not a terrorist sympathizer (we hope).

As a whole Election 2017 has been an unnecessary distraction form the matters in hand and a shameful waste of opportunity.. On the bright side however Nicky Cleggy has been sent away with a bloody nose and Salmond can now bugger off  back from whence he came and take his bonnets with him..

A voice of reason..

Tim Martin, MD of Wetherspoons..

'A number of individuals and organisations, which previously supported UK membership of the euro and its disastrous predecessor the ERM, and who recently promoted the erroneous view of a severe economic downturn in the immediate aftermath of a leave vote in the referendum, are again offering the government advice. For example, Carolyn Fairbairn of the CBI has recently said that ‘leaving the negotiating table without a deal shouldn’t be Plan B, but Plan Z’. It is doubtful if Ms Fairbairn has ever been involved in serious business negotiations herself, since this is the same as a housebuyer saying to a seller, ‘I must have your house at any cost’. In this case the buyer will not pay the market price, but will pay the maximum that the seller believes he can afford. It is hard to believe that such foolhardy advice could emanate from a business organisation. As many people have said, including many remain supporters, it is essential to adopt an approach that stresses the UK’s willingness to trade on World Trade Organisation (WTO) terms, possibly abolishing import tariffs unilaterally, which would lead to substantial reductions in consumer prices- and increased living standards. The current desperation of the CBI and others for a ‘deal’ is only encouraging the absurd posturing of the unelected ‘President’ Juncker and his acolytes, and creates an absurdly pessimistic picture of the UK’s position if a sensible deal is not forthcoming.'

Hanging up your coat..

..then use the little loop provided, you thoughtless prick.

Would you like to Gift Aid that ?

Eh? What's that you say 10% more, err, erm.. actually no I wouldn't.

Contrary to popular misconception gift aid is not magic money that comes from nowhere, it comes from the treasury out of  yours (and my) taxes. Normally it is used to pay for schools, hospitals roads, the fire service and that sort of thing -  so next time you gift -aid your entrance to Twycross Zoo etc.. spare a thought for who's missing out.

What's your Experian credit score?

What the fuck?!  Who are these people? What are they trying to achieve? Is it all about foisting unsustainable loans on the poor and hopelessly deluded. Where did it all come from? I don't ever recall needing a credit score. My suspicion is that the best ratings are given to those punters who are the most profitable - needy yet reliable.
The whole damn thing stinks and I want no part of it. That's to say nothing of the nauseous adverts of handsome folk nurturing some effigy that purports to be a licence to borrow money. 'Damn it all!' I say.

Gym Membership..

So not content with spunking out 60 quid a month on Sky TV you now want to join a gym to work off all those fatty snacks you gorged on in front Murdoch's inane gogglebox - surprised the antipodean buffoon hasn't cottoned on to that scam himself. So now that you've joined up to your pony a month contract it's downhill all the way right? - a few sessions on the cross-trainer watching soaps and it'll be 3hr marathons in no time.

But IT DOESN'T work like that you bollock-brain. Fitness requires a dedication that 90% of delusional middle-class morons have no hope of achieving. Want to get fit on the cheap? Eat less crap and run round the block a couple of times a week. While you at it transfer your direct debit from the Gym to Save the Children - feeling better already aren't you?

Guinness Extra Cold

Not content with the fact you can no longer taste anything you now want to hurt your teeth - serves you right, pillock.

That bloke who lost the court case about holidays out of school..

Ha, ha, ha,. You cheap-suited tosser. Couldn't be bothered to pay a paltry 60 quid fine and now you look a complete twat. Bleating about being a  free thinking individual who knows best for  his kids has't helped much has it? Still arguing about the educational benefits of meeting Micky and the gang at Disneyland you pitiful arse - that's it Disney-fucking-land for Christ's sake. Now get your kids back to school so they can learn not to be like you.

Made-up number plates

Yes Debby (or should I say DE13 RIE) I've seen you in that other symbol of automotive impotence - the Land Rover Discovery. So how do you like it now that plod has told you to put legal plates on? Not so fucking smart now you've spent five grand* on an ordinary number plate are you?

* I hope

Ancestry DNA

Never in the field of human endeavour has there been anything so utterly pointless. Well possibly one or two things but really.. on a par with horoscopes in its attraction to the hopelessly gullible. A lovely little scam though..

Tim Farron..

.. bullied at school?

Are you a 'Xenophobe' ?

The following was an item I prepared some time back but never got around to publishing, now that I know I have a reader (Val) here you are..

Well after reading the Independant (an oxymoron?) or the Guardian then I surely must be, as I voted to leave the EU. As such I'm also a racist and a probably a bigot to boot (ho hum). It seems that the clucking pseudo-intellectual media types have got it in for everyone who exercised their democratic right in a way that opposed theirs. However what most people have forgotten so quickly is that the EU was and is broken. What started as the mother of all free trade deals in 1973 spiraled out of control into a socialist project run by self-seeking and in some cases self-appointed power hungry bureaucrats and career politicians. My [voting] decision was in fact on a knife's edge but whenever I considered the remain option I just had to remind myself of the noxious pairing of Schulz an Juncker*.


To be honest I don't care too much about immigration provided that the infrastructure and services can actually keep pace with the influx - which it seems they can't. However pumping billions of pounds a year to keep the euro gravy-train afloat and line the pockets of the deceitful tossers  in charge is a step too far. Until Maastricht in 1993 everyone was rubbing along fine - enter Delors et al
'ever closer union', 'fiscal union' in effect the socialist state of Europe as approved by the French and it all goes tits -up.

The ignoramus's  brought it upon themselves and in the words of McFadden and Whitehead 'There ain't no stopping us now'.

* I have had to delete my summary of these two..

Can't you scan that for me?

No I fucking well cannot. Not content with sending out forms in electronic PDF format which I now have to print at my own time and expense I'm now expected to waste further time scanning them, saving them into a document and somehow converting that back to PDF. All in all a right royal pain the arse.

I will however gladly fax it for you... just please give me your number..