Russell Group Universities

Who started this self-appointed quango purporting to be a centre of excellence, huh ? Tell me that ! At what point did they decide that their pompous cartel should be rated above every other university in the country. 

'Bartholemew was just pipped for his Oxbridge entry but he wa awarded a place to read Business Studies at York...'

Piffle.

Everyone with half a brain will recall that some of the best Engineering degrees (which, by the way, require a level of nous unheard of in the average Psycology tutorial) were awarded by former Polytechnics.

Russell group - stick it up your arse you Borgeoise tossers.

PS No, I didn't attend a former Polytechnic for the record, but  at least in the days before Blair's 'degrees for everyone !' you knew where you stood.

Cath Kidston

Errm, it's just spots isn't it ? Oh yes and some old-fashioned looking flowers. Nice enough I suppose.
(see also A fool and his/her money.. below.)

Bastardising nouns as verbs

Of course the chief culprits here as the yanks and  I can see how it started. With their inexorable search for an 'independant' language coupled with their slovenly speech  they try to make life easier apparently.

Whilst I despise the word 'hospitalise' I can see why it might be considered more usable than 'admit to hospital'. However wher the the blazes did the verb to 'architect' come from, eh ? Answer me that ! The only verb I knew about to describe a the process of creation from human ideas was 'design'. And, since when, did 'leverage' come into being as an acceptable alternative to 'harness' ? Twats -  the lot of them.

James Dyson - One (sorry make that two) trick pony ? Discuss.

Now, let me make it clear from the start that I am not out to 'dis' James D  as an entrepreneur since for that he commands an A*. However as an engineer are his achievements not just a teensy bit overrated? Yes I freely admit more successful that anything I have come up with but really, anything worth 1.5 billion quid ?

Aside from the new hand drier (I still end up wiping hand on trousers) and the fanless fan (that does actually still contain a fan) which I'm guessing were dreamed up by his dozens of Malmesbury based boffins James, it seems, has had two successful ideas mostly over 30 years ago:-

1. The ball-barrow ( a wheel barrow that used a ball) - you may recall it from the 70s/80s adverts maybe it was even branded by Black & Decker I can't recall.
2. The cyclone vacuum cleaner (CVC) - that never loses suction - ever. Really ? But what if the dust box gets full huh  ? Can't really be true can it ?

Luckily though for James the other players tried to copy the CVC and 'Lo ! A lifetimes free PR and a knighthood to boot'. That puts him up there with Frank Whittle, yes that's right the inventor of a genuine engineering triumph the jet engine !

But 'hold on a cotton picking minute' I hear you cry what about the latest release from Dyson HQ  ?

Wait for it ..

Are you ready.. ?

A CVC with a  ball from the ball-barrow !! TA DAH !!

How the cogs must have turned that day ...

Twee Mary Portas-style Delicatessens

You'll find them in any yuppie infested bourgoise suburb or their away day seaside equivalent (Aldeburgh, Rock, Salcombe etc..). Painted in subdued pastel shades selling overpriced tit bits made with goats-cheese and 'onion marmalade', eighteen different types of olives, local farm cheese and ethnic delicacies (well samosas) - in fact all the same stuff you can get from you local supermarket without having to rummage around the bottom of a wicker basket and re-mortgage your house for the privelege. Pah !

Please note do not confuse said emporium with real delicatessens or ethnic food stores  run by 1st or 2nd generation immigrants from Italy, Pakistan, Turkey, Poland  or India for example. These stores generally cater for 'their own' and are competitively priced and offer a new and different selection of food-stuffs for those genuinely interested in expanding their horizons.

Thai restaurant food

Surely the emporer's new clothes of Asian foods. Where else would you find the chattering classes cooing over coconut flavoured dishwater ? Pah ! A decent English 'meat' vindaloo is what's needed and no mistake.

Camp Cars (aka Hairdressers Cars)

OK, well yes I know this is childish, and in fact some of these cars are acknowledged to be  real 'drivers cars' (whatever that is supposed to mean). However, pompous men (and women) who pansy about in gay cars looking to see who is looking at them really get my goat. Anyway here goes..

1) BMW Z3 - first equal
1) Mazda MX5 see above
3) VW Beetle (new version) covert or hardtop
4) Porsche Boxster - fourth equal
4) BMW Z4
6) Audi TT convertible/roadster
7) MINI convertible
8) Ford Street Ka
9) Mercedes SLK
10) Triumph Spitfire

Bonus 80s queer conveyance - Renault Fuego

A predominance of German, nay, reliable cars perhaps ?  Most definately, however that only goes to confirm my personal theory that the  above are for people who like to think that they like cars. For example you would rarely have to tinker with them and heaven forbid your ride would  ever break down. Without disrespect for hairdressers, male or female, most I have met would not relish the idea of  changing a wheel let alone an exhaust valve..

So in summary wanting to get into a pretty, reliable, sporty (but not exactly muscular) car should be a no-no
for any red-blooded male (unless of course you are a passenger to an attractive lady).

Coming soon - top ten 'Git cars'

Social Media and Broadcasting

What's going on at the BBC, ITV, CH4 etc.. ? Why can't I just watch or listen to the program of my choice without being bombardied with trite invitations to 'tweet' (aaaargh) or 'checkout our facebook page' (no more please  - for the love of God !).

I hate social media, the term is a complete oxymoron. It appears to be divisive and promotes bullying and the worst kind of insidious gossip. Ban it now (if  you dare) Cameron !

Lego Toys

Am I the only one who wants to glue these blasted things together ? !

Holiday Villages for The Bourgoisie

Is there something that I don't know about that's been written into the by-laws of Norfolk and Suffolk county councils that constrains village retailers to paint their premises in a muddy green/grey colour (popularised by Mary Portas no doubt) ? Entering the boundaries of Southwold or Burnham Market and you would be forgiven for thinking that there was only one pot of paint to go around - one mixed up from some WWII surplus battleship grey eeked out with some camouflage khaki.

However this can be a good thing, a warning if you will, for rest assured that any premises decorated thus will soon have you weeping as you part with obscene amounts of cash for everyday groceries such as
'artisan' pork pies, cottage loaves or 'homemade' quiche..

Another popular form of outlet you will find in these middle-class havens are clothes shops with brands such as the much-hyped  Joules (middle-class, thirty-something ladies who like a cappucino), Jack Wills (for the trainee (Daddy says there's a job going as hedge manager  -whatever one of thoses is) yuppie, Gun Hill (not sure of their target market  but still eye-wateringly pricey) etc..

Of course the local that are left, in the 50% of houses that are not holiday lets or weekend retreats, care not a jot. They know that the local Tesco in Lowestoft or Fakenham will deliver to them for just a fiver - barely the cost of a chervil and wheatgrass smoothie.

Olympic Games.

Am I the only one who feels that the Olympic Games seemed somehow more wholesome in the amateur era ? Indeed are all sporting ideals compromised by the advent of 'professionalism' ?

To me the Olympics was all about running jumping and throwing. My childhood heroes were the middle distance guys, Coe, Ovett and that chap from NewZealand who won everything before they arrived. Add if you wish Brendan Foster to the list, erstwhile, gritty but flat footed he still manged to win without the allure of big-bucks prize money.

Fo the past 20 odd years however the remit of 'the games' has changed into a ghastly circus, with medal-greed and win at any costs attitudes. When the London games was first  anounced I thought it might be nice to pop down and take a day out with my children, wander about maybe watch a bit of track and field - the heats of the pole-vault or what have you. You know, give them something to write in my 'What I did over the summer essay'. Little did I know that the 'I want to say "I was there !" crowd' would create such an unreasonable demand that the whole shebang would be price prohibitive and over subscribed even for a ladies rowing event in Nottingham.

Oh and just a quick word on beach volleyball while we're at it. Great fun I have no doubt, but I hope the fit ladies in bikins don't complain too much if they get observed attentively by the male members in the crowd . That's what men do, it's a consequence of millions of years of evolution -  like it or not. Err, and one more thing why is it that this Olympic games features BOTH beach volleyball AND  conventional volleyball (where incidentally competitors wear conventional sporting garb) - is volleyball so entrenched in the nation's pscyche that we need two varients of this, let's face it, mediocre sporting spectacle?

Professional sport, in my view, has edged out the have a go amateur. Thirty years ago, what we now term junior rugby (a sport I occasionally participated in), was thriving. Clubs in middle England would each be able to field 3 => 5 teams plus a colts (U-17) side with ease. Pubs the breadth of the country would ring out to the bawdy sounds of the rugby sing-song, and win or lose you'd celebrate with gusto. The same clubs now struggle to field 2 sides many have folded in the past 10 years. Some may recall a 70s/80s government initiative call 'Sport for All' that encourage all of us irrespective of ability to get involved.  What happened ?
did the Murdochs and Sky TV teach us it's easier and on the face of it more fun to sit in front of a TVand watch, drink beer than to participate - if so he's bigger tosser than even I gave him credit for.

A Fool & His (or Her) Money are Easily Parted..

At the behest of someone dear to me I have recently and somewhat reluctantly researched the phenomenon known as Spa hotels and short breaks therein. Now somewhat naïvely I'll admit I thought this might bear some relation to Spa towns, perhaps taking in the health giving waters or maybe bathing in a natural hot spring (a la the Baths at Bath), a bit of innocent albeit misplaced bonne sante - how wrong could I be ? I mean really !

I have heard about the euphamistic term 'treatments', of course I have, I'm married, to a lady. But, nothing, no nothing could have prepared me for the preposterous pomposity that these places reserve to describe their face packs. Here are some genuine descriptions, not from a Monty Python sketch I assure you..

Sample Spa 1) - Introduction..

The wonderful warming ambience of **** Grange, along with the freshness of home grown fruits, vegetables and herbs were the inspiration behind these beautiful and sensorial sublime journeys.

Sample Spa 1) - description of a face-pack

60 Minutes £75.00

Sublime Journey Facial:

This sublime journey starts with a double cleanse using a silkening milk

cream with the aroma of white flowers, followed by a gentle exfoliation using

a pineapple enriched enzyme peel. A delicious mask is then applied with

essential oils and flower extracts of rose, lavender, lily and iris to freshen and

decongest the skin and the treatment concludes with a sublime massage of

the face, neck and shoulders using and anti-oxidant enriched cream. A truly

sensorial experience.

Sample Spa 2) - Introduction..

Book yourself one of our signature spa treatments, designed exclusively for the **** Spa hotel by Decléor, combining the best of  **** spa traditions with ancient Celtic wellbeing secrets. Then wrap yourself up in a bathrobe, settle into a soft leather recliner, and gradually rejoin the world in the softly-lit comfort of our relaxation room.

Sample Spa 2 - description for a day's spa-ing

All Day Retreat

Mon-Thurs £300, Fri-Sun £310

Hot stone therapy massage (60 minutes) Vital eye treatment Jessana manicure and pedicure, 3 hours 45 minutes

Go on, rub your eyes and look again ! Yes that really is 300 pounds sterling they are expecting from you, all asked with a straight face.  What's more who the heck are Decleor who are so high and mighty that they think their 'slap'  is so special ? I'm not even going to ask what a 'Jessana' is, might cost another 30 for the answer.

Astonishingly,  judging from the sheer number of these rip-off joints that are plying their trade there is a market for this trite nonsense, recession or no. But tell me this whatever happened to the (women) who simply 'got on with it' ? Are they really a relic of times past, along with a whistling  milk-man and bottles of light ale ?

Family Law

Another 21st century affectation that serves to annoy me. Somehow replacing the word 'divorce' with 'family' and 'lawyer' with 'law' gives this pernicious industry some air of cosiness or well-being. You know, that kind of  'we're here to look after you' message that  independant financial advisors or estate agents who are selling on your behalf also give. However at all times you know the only one suffering is you as they sit back and get richer than Croesus.

Fortunately I have not had to avail myself of the services of these people but I know some who have, and there is no way to put a gloss on the divorce process. But to get shafted by some gurning legal professional along the way must really hurt.

Calabrese is NOT the same as Broccoli

Right let's set the records straight here. Brocolli is a British vegetable that 'over winters' and comes as purple or sometimes white sprouting variaties and jolly tasty it is too. The bland fast-growing imposter Calabrese that most supermarkets now foist upon us as 'Brocolli' is nothing of the kind. Let's be honest it doesn't even look all that similar.
Please write to your MP or start an online petition to have this second rate brassica renamed 'Calabrese'
or at the very least 'Calabrese Broccoli 'so that the nation knows wher it stands.

Celebrity Chefs..

How, when where ? I mean what on earth brought-on this absurd phenomenon. Cookery programs - no problem., the country need to be taught the basics of how to coddle an egg or make a victoria sponge, why not ? But do we really need to be exposed to this barrage of trite nonsense. Of course a chef is a respected profession that requires skill and tenacity but then so does plastering, and since when did we see this category of artisan rewarded with 7 figure TV contracts and gushing praise from misguided fanbois ? Huh tell me that !

If I want to be entertained then I will go and see a professional entertainer, a beat music combo, or a comedian maybe, perhaps even a play. But a sodding celebrity chef -come on please .. Likewise if I want to learn how to cook I'll bring out some re-runs of Farmhouse Kitchen with Dorothy Sleightholme, or maybe Patrick's Pantry.

Kerr - I blame you for perverting a nation !

Inane pronunciation of (foreign) place names

Can we have some consistency over this subject please ? Ever heard anyone on telly or radio pronounce Paris as 'Paree', Munich as 'Munchen'  or Rome as 'Roma' ? No ?! Though not. So why in God's name do we have to put up with crappy faux pronunciations of other less common place names ? I once sat through an excruciating travel report by Judith r*ddy Chalmers on the Hungarian capital Budapest which she insisted on calling 'Budapesht'. Frustratingly that's the only example I recall off the  top of my head, but I've heard more, I know I have, and when I hear them again - up they'll go.. if my names not 'middle England'.

'Aspiration'

This seems to be the word of the past decade and one which I have no truck for. Maybe it's only me but
this word (I can't bear to repeat it) seems to carry many connotations that I despise. Somehow it is different to mere ambition which indicates a willingness to work hard and acheive ones goals. Aspiration (aargh, there I've said it) to me is success at any cost, it's an avaricious word that 'thrusting' people seem to cling onto. At one point a local estate agent was trying to promote a developement of flats - they called them apartments of course - with the by-line 'Aspiration has a new meaning - 'The Winchester Edifice' or some such nonsense. Anyway I hate it and all those people who wish to 'aspire' to anything - especially if it's a black German executive car...

Pizza Express

How have they done it ? I mean, what level of marketing (sorry sales promotion) do you need to employ in order to con people that peasant food is actually aspirational middle class fodder? I often pass our local PE on my to the pub on a Saturday and am totally astonished by number of dweebs willing to part with their hard-earned for a crusts of bread and some insipid plonk.  But then to be honest who really cares. If I want an authentic Pizza then I will visit a restaurant staffed by Italians (or at least someone with vague Italian connections), leastways not a spotty faced gap year student or some sullen Eastern European.

Gastro-pubs -Whaat !

I realise that pubs are having a hard-time what with cheap supermarket booze, the smoking ban and greedy
pubcos constantly hiking rents. But do we really need 'gastropubs' ? Am I alone in thinking that pub food should be limited to a combination of fried egg, chips, pies, ham, sausages, cod (battered)  and peas ? Easy to store, cheap to buy and quick to cook - everyone's happy. Except that apparently they are not. Today's metrosexual want olives on the bar, a choice of wine and something oven-baked or pan-fried - not that they realise that there is no other way to bake or fry something the pillocks.

Pubs are primarily for drinking, restaurants and cafes primarily for eating - got it ?
And while we're at it why can't we have government support for local boozers. When I grew up these places offered a social service, essentially fostering sensible drinking with the older generation of fathers, uncles, neighbours etc.. keeping tabs on the exuberant youth. Now we seem to have the unfettered youth herded into 'theme bars' under the watchful eye of  100s of police on overtime just a few years older acting as temporary guardians. Blair et al wanted to bring in a continental style 'cafe society', sadly the witless buffoon failed to realise that we already had something better in place 30 years ago.

O-levels deliver a 2 tier education system.. so what ?

The opposition parties have declared that the re-introduction of O-levels and CSEs will deliver a two tier education system. Yes, maybe, but so what ? Is this automatically a bad thing ? O-levels can be academic subjects Maths, Chemistry, History or what have you while CSEs could be more vocational, carpentry etc.. Thus bringing us more in line for example with one of Europes most successful education systems - The Netherlands. The comprehensive bilge offered by Labour has to stop - it's helping no-one .

What's more while we're at it  - no not everybody needs a degree  Mr Blair ! You conned a generation of students like you conned the Iraqi weapons inspectors - how you can show your face in public defeats me.
Years ago the best retail management training you could get was as a Marks and Spencers trainee, armed with a couple of decent A-levels you learned on the job. Absolutely no need for a degree from the University of West Humberside or wherever - you shyster !

Airport Passenger Duty - Good !

Can't stand these bleating morons who contuinue to gripe about APD. Look,  thanks to EasyJet and Ryan O'Neil flights have never been cheaper (in real terms) with or without APD. BTW did you morons know that there's no duty on aviation fuel ? Thought not. So book you flights and get on with it quietly  if you must. Me ? I'm staying in Blighty !

Laurie Penny - Ugh !

Who is this woman that writes such precocious piffle ? And what makes her qualified to voice her irrelevant view via a 'quality' (ahem) newspaper - shame on you 'The Independant'..